“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.” – Anonymous
2016 ~ This is undeniably the hardest year I’ve ever had to withstand in my entire life. But I can honestly say that I’m still learning to be vulnerable thanks to my close friends (which are selectively few) because no one should ever have to endure this thing called life alone. Growing up, it was so easy for me to just put a pen to paper and not tell a single soul what I had written or was experiencing on the inside. Maybe it’s the introvert in me. Now that I’m older, it’s becoming more of a battle each day to hold on to the weight of these light dimming thoughts. I’ve been training myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually the calming art of release & let go. So here it goes…
To be frank, a lot of shit has happened and the year still isn’t over. I’ve had a lot of life events develop (as well as some that didn’t). Turning 30 was a blessing, but what a way to kick off my damn 30’s. I started the year off with a list of strict goals. I also made 5 affirmations that I hoped the universe would humbly receive and let manifest:
1. Get a promotion. – My workload at my job picked up viciously as if without a hint of transition or warning. Desk responsibilities continued to increase to the point where job role descriptions were in clear need of makeovers. It was ugly. Work had always been organized chaos, but it somehow seemed to get worse and worse each and every cringing weekday. All I kept thinking was I didn’t sign up for this shit. But Corporate America always has a way of fucking you over no matter what position you’re in. Don’t get me wrong. There’s perks in it too. Luckily as a bonus, I had two awesome co-workers to help keep me sane. But in the end instead of getting promoted, I got demoted.
2. Start a family. – This year my husband and I hoped to get pregnant with our first child. We’ve gone through a lot during this stage of our lives as newlyweds. Regrettably, we ended up miscarrying during the first trimester (rest in heaven to our unborn angel). Never have I felt such overwhelming grief and devastation. Us getting pregnant was my one hope and motivation to push forward through all the bullshit stress at my job. But I didn’t get what I had hoped for. Instead, I got turned down and had to continuously force back tears as my unknowing friends and family members pressured us with constant questions of when we were going to have a baby. Anyways, shortly after miscarrying (as in a couple of weeks), my career had been put on the line. Even with doing my best to manage the unmanageable, I ended up losing both my baby and my job almost simultaneously.
3. Purchase a home. – This goal has been on my wish list for the longest time it seems. Over the past 5 years, I’ve had 3 different addresses including one in another state. I’ve always leased everywhere I lived and paying rent is no fun when it amounts to a mortgage. In the past, there would always be road blocks to getting approved for a mortgage loan. But this year, I was so certain it would finally happen. Nope. Just when everything was looking promising, my mortgage broker tells me I need to show more payment activity on my student loans. But the way my bank account is set up… I damn near owe a house I don’t even own yet. A nice house at that.
4. Focus on YouTube. – I remember posting my very first video back in 2012. I was hella shy and I still cringe to this day when re-watching some of my older content. Surprisingly after posting just a couple of videos, YouTube reached out and offered me an opportunity to become a partner. Although I accepted, I never really took full advantage of it. Since becoming a YouTube partner, I’ve never been able to establish or keep a consistent upload schedule because of my demanding career path. I would always come home stressed out from work and was never able to give 100% to my subscribers. For that reason, I’ve gained a lot and unfortunately lost a lot too.
5. EJ new job. – Not only did I want a promotion for myself, but I wanted the same or better for my husband. His job is equally stressful with unkept promises from unqualified idiots trying to run a family-owned business. I’m not gonna lie. A part of me wanting this to happen was so I could become a “housewife” and focus on my passion and live life happily ever after. That’s the dream, right? But more importantly, I wanted better for my husband whether it was a promotion at his current job or with a new company altogether. He should be the one calling the shots. Unfortunately, his so-called management has been giving him the run around for over a year now.
Among other horrific events this year, my friends spotted a curly gray strand in my hair and have repeatedly proven that it is indeed attached to my head. I cut it out with scissors and it grew back. To my disbelief, I even found another gray strand growing on the other side of my head just the other day. (Lord, I must really be stressed!) On top of that, I have bottled-up issues with my mother that need resolving, I’m always missing my family and how things used to be, struggles of dealing with insurance, a new hospital bill, retirement funds, plan b, blah blah blah, etc. The list goes on and on.
So, yeah… A lot of fuckery has happened this year. But let’s twist the perspectives into something more positive (because Lord knows I need a win):
1. Get a promotion. – Honestly, the only reason I wanted a promotion in the first place was to get out of the department I was in. But I got something better instead. Rather than being forced to work a shitty 9 to 5, I was taken out of an unhealthy situation. I wasn’t happy and it showed. And although I don’t know what’s next for me in my career or what lies ahead, I refuse to let it stress and take over me. I find comfort in knowing that God already has a plan in store for me. Plus, I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I truly believe my purpose in life is somewhere along the lines of helping others and spreading love & light all around the world.
2. Start a family. – I didn’t touch on it much because I’m still coping with it, but I’m happy knowing that my husband and I got a chance to experience parenting at least for the little bit that we did when we were pregnant. This is obviously a very sensitive and heavy subject. But when I think about it more, the universe actually did respond. I was a mother. And I still am a mother. Seeing my husband so happy and full of joy during those 2 months of pregnancy was such a treat. And if you must know, EJ and I are still trying to conceive. So needless to say, the bedroom has been pretty hot lately!
3. Purchase a home. – Although this hasn’t happened yet, I was still able to accomplish my biggest financial goal of 2016 which was to improve my credit score to at least 700. I’m happy to report that I’ve remarkably exceeded my own goal. Literally, I have excellent credit for the first time ever. Plus, I’ve even lowered my debt an incredible amount. But thanks to student loans, I’ll have a new financial goal for 2017. That’s going to be a monster! Even though I’m still currently leasing, I’m blessed to have a roof over my head. Better luck next year.
4. Focus on YouTube. – Things are already starting to look up since being let go from my job. From that very day, I’ve been persistent in pursuing what I really want to do. Even with it being late in the year, I’ve already accomplished so much rebuilding my brand within this short span of time. I’ve worked with several brands already as an influencer and I have even more fun stuff in the works. I was also able to reconstruct my blog website (which you’re currently reading from by the way). I may not have the biggest following or the largest amount of subscribers, but I’m so very appreciative for the few I do have. You all inspire me to keep going and you keep my passion alive and growing. I do what I love because of you and for that, I’m forever grateful. I’m excited for the future and what’s to come. Hopefully, one day (sooner than later) I’ll be able to turn my passion into profit full-time.
5. EJ new job. – Even though false promises never materialized at his job, I know his big moment is coming in due time. I see tremendous growth and potential in my husband, and his work ethic is phenomenal. With his experience and knowledge, I truly believe he can start his own company doing what he does. Plus, there’s still hope I can be a “housewife.” Happy wife, happy life! We double as music lovers but music is his true passion, and lately he’s been cooking up some things in his at-home studio. All he needs is that extra push and a break-through for his vision to fully transpire.
More good news… My husband and I celebrated our 1st year of marriage, Chyna (our dog) unexpectedly came into our lives and, hell I’ve even accepted my gray strands of hair as a badge of honor and wisdom. Vulnerability doesn’t have to have a negative connotation. Take the fear out of being vulnerable. Yes, it exposes you but it also frees you. It heals you. It strengthens you. It restores you and gives you peace of mind. Holding onto things will eventually break you and force you to deal with it. Being vulnerable isn’t easy, especially for us introverts. But we all have to learn to release & let go at some point.
Wishing you all peace, wellness and understanding. What’s something you’ve been holding onto that you need to let go?
Sending love & light,